One has split One’s V to her A…

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have welcomed their third child into the world – with Kate birthing a healthy 8lb 7oz baby boy, after a five hour labour. The joyful news was gratefully received by hundreds of waiting journalists – most of which silently thanked Kate’s efficient ‘third baby faff’ for sparing them from hours of the dreaded ‘nothing to report’ live broadcast.

Lambrini corks popped as a doddery, bell-ringing chap dressed as Jack Sparrow took to the steps of London’s most exclusive private maternity hospital to declare what Twitter had already announced three minutes earlier… that Prince Harry was now even further down the Queen’s Christmas card list.

An anonymous source from within the Lindo Wing, where William and his brother, Thingymajig Whatsits, were both born commented, “The Duchess totally took labour in her stride – only lashing out at Wills twice… once for loudly eating a bag of pickled onion Monster Munch while she was projectile vomiting into a kidney bowl – and again for FaceTiming his brother down at the ‘business end’ and chanting ‘lads, lads, lads!’”

There were reports of a kafuffle from inside Clarence House too, as The Prince of Wales apparently became confused after receiving a message from his son on the family ‘WhatsApp’ group stating Kate was ‘crowning’. Sources say it took Camilla a good fifteen minutes to calm down the furious future King – with cries of ‘IT’S NOT EVEN HER BLOODY TURN!!!’ claiming to be heard as far as St James’s Palace.

Posing for photographs on the famous hospital steps, which were remarkably free of chain smokers attached to drips, the delighted parents smiled radiantly at well-wishers and royalist loons who had gathered to greet the new prince.

Kate, high as a kite on Pethidine, looked stunning in a red number – only looking down once or twice to check her gigantic, post-birth sanitary towel hadn’t fallen out of her knickers and attached itself to her Jimmy Choos.

With speculation over the royal baby’s name expected to reach fever pitch over the coming days, bookies are already slashing odds on ‘Henry Charles Albert David’ – or just Harry, for short. Watch this space (or every news channel for the next 48 hours) for painstakingly boring updates and stab in the dark guesswork.

*May contain some elements of fake news… Don’t tell Donald, we’ll never hear the end of it…

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